Loss

This post is dedicated to Mindy Kennedy. 

"Wondering how to sleep for the first time without my mom in this world. The quiet makes my brain go in to overtime with so many wishes. How I wish I'd told her how much she meant to me every single day. Don't hesitate, tell your loved ones as often as possible and then more!" - Mindy Kennedy 4/24/2010

We often can't imagine such loss until it is there in front of us. Is there any solace to be found in the death of a loved one? There is religion, spirituality, meditation and prayer. There are letters and pictures, memories and laughter. But it is the love that continues to reside in our hearts that will carry us through each day.

I know the argument exists that you can say 'I love you' too often and that it loses its meaning in repetition. I disagree. It is the last thing my girls hear at night before I close the door to their bedroom. And I tell them every chance I get. The moment need not be special or unique. I even ask that silly question if they know mama loves them? As I get older, those words flow easier. I'm no longer shy to tell my friends, extended family, or even my coworkers. 

Life - and death - will do that to a person. I lost my beloved aunt Mary Lee just over one year before I learned I was pregnant with twins. My heart has ached so many times wishing that she could have met these muses of mine. She taught me how to stop and smell the roses, which becomes much more difficult amidst the chaos of raising twins. I remember being 11 years old, lying next to her in our bathrobes atop the picnic table behind our house, watching the stars on a summer night.. I've thought of that moment many times since her death, and wondered if I told her that I loved her enough while she was alive?  

"When someone you love dies...you don't lose them all at once. you lose them in pieces over a long time. Gradually, you accumulate all of the parts of them that are gone. Just when the day comes - when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that (s)he's gone, forever - there comes another day, and another specifically missing part." - A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving