Initiation, Part Deux

This is what suspicion looks like.

Now that I've pledged this fraternity, I'm learning there are hazing techniques that make me uneasy. And I'm told it only gets worse from here.

My sweet "Baby B", Tristyn Mae, had bilateral inguinal hernia surgery last week. Three mornings before the surgery, my calm mommy confidence betrayed me. I panicked. I got that queasy feeling that takes over and burrows inside your brain like a dung beetle. I fought the urge to pick up the phone and hastily cancel the surgery. All it took was a simple inquiry from the daycare mom to bring me to tears, blubbering on her shoulder like a toddler myself, feeling silly and berating myself for overreacting.

The surgeon told me himself that he's performed 8,000 of these surgeries and I know so many other mamas that have dealt with far worse. 

In the course of my sedulous online research, I read that inguinal hernias in females are somewhat rare, but can be caused, in part, by prematurity. This too, messed with my head because I have neatly filed away the prematurity/NICU experience and have cheerfully (perhaps ignorantly) moved on from that chapter. I was disappointed and shocked to be forced to revisit the fear and inevitable, absurd guilt that came with delivering the frail human cargo from my womb too soon.

I found solace in the amazing mothers (of singles and multiples*) that surround me. I voiced my vulnerability and they responded with such compassion and wisdom that I was once again wrapped in that warm blanket of confidence - that my precious little girl would endure.

What struck me throughout this process is that I'm continually exposed to new layers of indoctrination that frighten me to no end, but that other parents have forged before me, and happily embrace those that follow with their positive outcomes and unwavering optimism.

I keep a crumpled fortune cookie in my purse and it never fails to prove true: "Your road will be made smooth for you by good friends."

I received it while I was pregnant with my girls. Natch.  

*This post is dedicated to Giselle, the bravest (and only) mom of identical triplet boys that I know! Thank you for your support and guidance.