Saturday, June 5, 2010

Lunatic on the inside

"Dwell in possibility; Don't wait for evidence."

I was postpartumly depressed until my precious daughters were 16 months old. No one knew; not my husband, my mom, my best friend or my boss. New mothers are *expected* to struggle, and discussing the difficulties is conjecture. Personally, I attributed it to sleep deprivation and exhaustion. Actually, I became quite adept at making excuses for my foul mood and disconsolate outlook on a given day.

Most days I knew I was faking it; keeping up the facade of normalcy that I yearned for.
 
Once I admitted that I might be depressed, I spent an entire day crying (mostly with relief, not just sadness) and wondering why I didn't realize it before. Being medicated felt like a failure, and I still sometimes resent that it is the last thought before going to bed or leaving on a trip - do I have my meds??
 
They have become my lifeline of sorts, my bridge to normal.

Depression can be prompted by a variety of many things and manifests itself in different ways for different people: for me, it was the anger when things didn't go as planned. I've said before that I felt the kind of intense anger everyday that I had only felt a few times in my entire life before having children. I'm a pretty mellow person, so that was a huge red flag.

To put my experience with depression in perspective, there is a tiny part of me that still doesn't believe that I was depressed, or that I even still need to take my meds. It's a ridiculous thought, but one that I hold on to.

If anyone reading this thinks they may be depressed, what I'm trying to say is _don't wait for evidence_ that you might be depressed. You'll never truly get any confirmation. It's a leap of faith, as they say.

And what's most important is enjoying your life and your family. And you cannot do that while you're fighting the beast that is depression.

This post is dedicated to TL.

3 comments:

  1. Those earrings are cute. :)
    Thanks for the super sweet comment!

    I love blue nails, mine are red now but I might go back to that color again soon.

    xx

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  2. Congrats on your follower increase. You are truely an inspiration to others who may be going through the same thing, it's just a shame it's not seen in wider distribution.

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  3. I'm pretty sure I was also depressed for about a year and a half after having my first child. I did go to counseling, but it was very expensive and I still felt bad. I didn't want to go on meds, because I was unsure what the plan to get off of them would be. Does your doctor give you any kind of a plan to go off them after a number of months? My fear was that I would be on meds forever once I started them.

    I know what you mean about feeling angry. I can only imagine how much harder it would have been with two babies. I also felt like everyone thought I was failure and it was impossible for me to see things rationally. I got no sleep and was so glad to go to work in the morning, just to get away from home.

    When I started to feel better, it all seems so strange. How could I have over-reacted so much, for so long. I'd like to avoid having such a hard time when I have my next child, but I'm unsure where I might get help (the real kind, not one where I just write a check and feel even wore).

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