Tiny heads

This is the image that changed my life.

For anyone that may not be familiar with two miniature skulls side by side on an ultrasound screen, that's what this is. It is the indelible impression that sent me careening down the mineshaft of self doubt, fear and uncertainty.

It's still difficult to find words to express the emotions running through my veins in that dim ultrasound room, my dad and step mom sitting next to me. I have described it as the only moment in my life that I honestly thought I was dreaming, and not really wide awake, lying on a table propped up by pillows, my swelling abdomen exposed and covered with clear, warm jelly.

I was 16 weeks pregnant and barely accepting of my new condition. A woman perfectly capable of becoming a mother, but not quite mentally ready yet. Unlike many current and prospective parents, the timeline that my husband and I had set for conceiving had followed an almost eerily accurate path so far. Having said we would try at the 5 year mark in our marriage, we sat across from each other on our 5th wedding anniversary joking that perhaps I shouldn't drink that beer - that perhaps our first attempt at conceiving had actually worked, haha!

One week later, I awoke in the guest bed of my husband's cousin's Amsterdam home, feeling an unusual heaviness in my breasts, and surmised that indeed, it had worked. I spent the next 2 weeks dragging around Italy, complaining of fatigue and vertigo.

Fast forward to the moment that began a journey that would bring me to my knees over and over again, and remind me life is full of unplanned surprises, and we as humans possess incredible strength.