Ambivalence, times two

My road to motherhood was paved with ambivalence. I don't remember ever feeling the need to breed as I entered my mid 20's, or even when I hit 30. When my husband and I married, we insisted we did not want the burden of children. When describing ourselves to our new suburban neighbors, I would tell them we were "the childless couple down the street". The ear piercing squeals of the neighbor kids would send me inside rolling my eyes at the noise pollution. We even had a mantra; "no babies-no babies-no babies", chanted to the old game show where contestants would yell "no whammies!" It was an odd source of pride in an overpopulated world of unwanted children, global warming and political unrest.

Nevertheless, after hearing my dad explain that he had a "double kings' ransom" - two boys and two girls - to the cardiac nurse after suffering a heart attack and subsequent stent placement, I knew I had to have children. Of course, I didn't know it in that moment, but looking back, that was the event I can pinpoint as the turning point in my anti-child psyche.

There were a handful of moments that caught me by surprise as time passed, and my friends began having children. One in particular comes to mind: I remember being slumped over my steering wheel sobbing, the rain pounding down on the roof of my car after a particularly stressful trip to Babies R' Us while shopping for a baby shower gift for my oldest and dearest friend. Celine Dion's "A New Day" coming out of the speakers and resounding into my soul - did I want a child?