Citizen of the World

That's how I feel after becoming a mother. Prior to mommy hood, it felt like I was floundering around unattached to anyone or anything; that I could disappear and the memory of me would simply fade away. Now, I somehow feel more attached - tied down, if you will - with the negative connotations that that expression brings, as well as the warm comfortability that comes with knowing you are needed, and that other lives depend on you. It's not the same as being a daughter - my parents have long since entrusted me to my own independence in this world, and there is, of course, less reliance of them on me than there is with my own daughters. Perhaps that is why empty nest syndrome is so traumatic to so many parents. When the children fly the coop, that feeling of connectedness is not as concrete, and they are left to wonder if their children still need them.

Before I had kids, I didn't really get kids. Sure, I love my nieces and nephew and find my friends' babies adorable, but I wasn't drawn to them like I am now. All the children-are-our-future sayings we hear from parents were lost on me. Not so much from an intellectual standpoint, but from an emotional one.

Children are everywhere, with similar features that propel me to smile or say hello. I could be halfway around the world and still see my daughters' characteristics, even if not physical - a giggle, squeal or a tiny footprint.

It's all encompassing. I feel this connectedness wherever I am, whether I have my girls with me or not, like a warm blanket. The reminders are everywhere. The obvious ones of course; the pictures on my desk and computer, their voices in the background when I am talking to my husband on the phone, an empty gum wrapper in my purse. And there are the inquiries from clients and friends - as if they are an extension of me. No other possession in life is revered by so many.

Even when I'm out on my own in my car, there are the behemoth car seats that clutter the entire back seat, yet look eerily empty at the same time. The ads or songs on the radio that inevitably make me think of them.

But mostly, it is the fervent pull towards home - towards wherever my daughters are.

I'm forever altered.