My favorite twin mommy blogger, Jane Roper/Baby Squared once described depression like "walking around all day inside a cube made of thick, dirty glass" and that "everything is muted and dark and dull".
For me, depression felt like quicksand that I was always trying to crawl out of. I would find a precarious foot hold only to slip back down, the muck threatening to squeeze the air from my lungs.
When my girls were infants, I craved only three things:
1) sleep
2) order
3) predictability
Lack of any of these threw me into a tailspin.
Is there any experience in life that involves less sleep, is less predictable or less orderly than simultaneously raising two infants??
I would scour the internet looking for activities to keep my twinfants occupied, while stimulating their rapidly developing brains. But when it came time to execute a project, I simply didn't have the energy - physical or mental. Or, the girls would devour the activity and crave more, but I had nothing left to give.
Some days felt like an exhausting countdown towards the next sleep break.
Coincidentally, the things I noticed when my meds started to kick in were the same as when I got my first pair of corrective lenses; the leaves on the trees, the details of those around me - just as if my eyes were more focused.
Coming out of depression is like a prolonged, good marijuana high, when random thoughts and ideas flow - and seem worthy. It was as if a switch had been flipped in my brain - from darkness to light.
At times, I've found myself at a loss for words to describe my depression, and could simply say it was "a dark place".
When I look back at pictures of myself, I am transported back there, and remember how I was feeling.
In these photos, which my boss took of me on my 34 birthday (which marked 15 months for my little clones), I can see that my depression was starting to lift, and I was finally starting to enjoy my daughters.
Can you see it? There's hope in those eyes.
For me, depression felt like quicksand that I was always trying to crawl out of. I would find a precarious foot hold only to slip back down, the muck threatening to squeeze the air from my lungs.
When my girls were infants, I craved only three things:
1) sleep
2) order
3) predictability
Lack of any of these threw me into a tailspin.
Is there any experience in life that involves less sleep, is less predictable or less orderly than simultaneously raising two infants??
I would scour the internet looking for activities to keep my twinfants occupied, while stimulating their rapidly developing brains. But when it came time to execute a project, I simply didn't have the energy - physical or mental. Or, the girls would devour the activity and crave more, but I had nothing left to give.
Some days felt like an exhausting countdown towards the next sleep break.
Coincidentally, the things I noticed when my meds started to kick in were the same as when I got my first pair of corrective lenses; the leaves on the trees, the details of those around me - just as if my eyes were more focused.
Coming out of depression is like a prolonged, good marijuana high, when random thoughts and ideas flow - and seem worthy. It was as if a switch had been flipped in my brain - from darkness to light.
At times, I've found myself at a loss for words to describe my depression, and could simply say it was "a dark place".
When I look back at pictures of myself, I am transported back there, and remember how I was feeling.
In these photos, which my boss took of me on my 34 birthday (which marked 15 months for my little clones), I can see that my depression was starting to lift, and I was finally starting to enjoy my daughters.
Can you see it? There's hope in those eyes.
This post is dedicated to Jane Roper, who was brave enough to share her story with her readers, and who inspired me to write again, and more importantly, to get help for my depression. I've never met her, but she will be in my heart always.
Your header picture is absolutely amazing.
ReplyDeleteWow, Lena. Thank you. I am speechless. (Wordless?) Tears in my eys. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that I helped you.
ReplyDeleteI love those pictures of you and your girls -- beautiful, all three of you.
Hi, this is my first time reading your blog and I just wanted to say that this post reasonates so much with me. I'm the mother of a 1 year old and I too have struggled with depression, both before her birth and now. I often find myself checking the clock constantly, counting down until her bedtime, and I often feel awful about feeling this way. But I'm beginning to accept that yes, it's the exhaustion from being a parent, but it also comes from this illness that I have. Thanks so much for sharing. I found you through Baby Squared, which I adore.
ReplyDeleteThe part about the marijuana high? OMG!! Laughing so hard. So true. You're such a great writer, Amber, truly! The words you use to describe depression -- quicksand, muck, threatening to squeeze the air of your lungs-they resonate with me. I know what you mean about meds, but here's what I've learned: I take my meds as if my life depends on them. And it does. Without them I may live, but I don't have a life. And, if I had a different diseaseI'd take meds w/o feeling weakness, so why feel it with this one? Instead feel strong that we've admitted to a 'problem' and are resolving the problem - we're helping our children and our families. Now that I've found the meds that work for me (that give me that marijuana high, that clarity) I am completely fine with taking that pill each night. And freak out if I don't have it with me when I travel, yes. Because it is my life line. :) Rock on, girl.
ReplyDelete