A Word

To my readers:

I've had friends and family express concern after I publish a post that is particularly distressing (I am very blessed).

But this blog isn't written in "real time", per se. I might start a thought and write about it, but it might sit in my draft folder for weeks or months before I can fully develop it into a post (sometimes I think of them as essays).

With that said, it has been a rough few months. Shitty weather, back to back viruses, a close friend moving 1,000 miles away and the devastating, heart wrenching loss of my dear friend's twin babies has made me an utter mess.

Also, as many of you know, I've recently changed up my medication. Changing meds isn't easy. There is a new set of side effects to accustom yourself to, and you have to shift from the comfort, albeit not an ideal one, that the last medication provided. In the past month, I've endured endless days of brain shocks - a relatively mild (in my case), but extremely distracting sensation in my head and neck akin to an electric shock.

There is also the uncertainty that my emotions are my own. I may feel a moment of elation, only to second guess it as false brain synapse. Then the urge to cry bubbles up, and I wonder, 'is this just normal female hormones?' Sometimes my emotions seem not to be driven by actual responses, but to some roulette wheel of random feelings.

I have recently started volunteering for Postpartum Support International of Washington, and I'm in contact with moms that are in the midst of their struggles with postpartum depression. This has brought up many memories for me. Memories of my own reluctance to acknowledge my depression, and to realize that motherhood is difficult, but shouldn't leave me a hollow person the rest of the time.

I truly hope that my experiences, then and now, guide me to be a valuable support to other women (and men!) that miss out on precious time enjoying their children because of depression.

Hopefully, you all know that through this all, Jaeda and Tristyn are the lights in my world, my stars, my beauties, and I am fighting this fight for them.

And, if you ever wonder what's going on in my life in real time, there is always my other, completely different blog.

Attempting to pose for my style blog